The Battle of Trafalgar


Admiral Collingwood

The Scene
HMS Victory
Cape Trafalgar - Southern Spain
Date: 21st October 1805 2018

The Cast
Admiral Horatio Nelson
Captain Thomas Masterman Hardy
A Midshipman

England's Unsung Hero
Admiral Cuthbert Collingwood
(born 1748 in Newcastle upon Tyne)
HMS Royal Sovereign

•   •   ◊   •   •


Admiral Nelson


Captain Hardy

The Action

Nelson:  ‘Run up the signal, Captain Hardy.’

Hardy:   ‘Aye, aye sir.’

Nelson:  ‘Hold on!  That’s not what I dictated to the signal officer.  What’s the meaning of this?’

Hardy:   ‘Sorry sir.’

Nelson:  (Reading aloud) ‘England expects every person to do their duty, regardless of race, gender,

sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.  What gobbledygook is this?’

Hardy:   ‘Admiralty policy I’m afraid, sir; we’re an equal opportunities employer now.  And we had

the devil’s own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.’

Nelson:  ‘Gadzooks Hardy, pass me my pipe and tobacco.’

Hardy:   ‘Sorry sir.  All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.’

Nelson  ‘In that case, break open the rum.  We’ll splice the main brace to steel the men for battle.’

Hardy:   ‘The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral.  It’s part of the Government’s policy to

discourage binge drinking.’

Nelson:  ‘Good Heavens, Hardy.  I suppose we’d better get on with it then…  Full speed ahead.’

Hardy:   ‘I think you’ll find there’s a 4 knot speed limit in these waters, sir.’

Nelson:  ‘Damn it man!  We’re on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history.  We must advance

with all dispatch. Get me a report from the crow's nest.’

Hardy:   ‘That… won’t be possible, sir.’

Nelson:  ‘I beg your pardon, Captain Hardy!’

Hardy:   ‘Health & Safety.  They’ve closed down the crow’s nest, sir - no harnesses!  And they say

that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. No one’s allowed up there until proper

scaffolding can be erected.’

Nelson:  ‘Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay.’

Hardy:   ‘He’s busy constructing a wheelchair access to the fo’c’s’le, sir.’

Nelson:  ‘Wheelchair access?  I’ve never heard of anything so absurd.’

Hardy:   ‘Health & Safety again, sir.  We have to provide a barrier free environment for the

differently-abled.’

Nelson:  ‘Differently-abled?  I’ve only got one arm and one eye!  I refuse to hear mention of

the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.

Hardy:   ‘I think you’ll find that you did, sir.  It’s common knowledge that the Royal Navy is under-

represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.’

Nelson:  ‘Whatever next?  Give me full sail.  The salt spray beckons.’

Hardy:   ‘H & S, sir.  We can’t order men up the rigging - no hard hats - and we don’t want them

breathing in too much salt, do we?  It could lead to hypertension.’

Nelson:  ‘I’ve never heard of such infamy.  Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to

engage the enemy.’

Hardy:   ‘The men don’t want to fire the cannons, Admiral’

Nelson:  ‘What?  This is mutiny!’

Hardy:   ‘It’s not that, sir.  They’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill someone.’

Nelson:  ‘Then how are we to sink the Spaniards and the Frenchies, Hardy?’

Hardy:   ‘Actually sir, we’re not.’

Nelson:  ‘We’re not?’

Hardy:   ‘No sir.  They’re our European partners now, and according to the Common Fisheries

Policy, we shouldn’t even be in these waters. We could face a claim for compensation.’

Midshipman:   ‘Sir, a message from Admiral Collingwood aboard the Royal Sovereign:

"New regulations torn up; my ships are ready for action; crews straining at the leash;

will attack at the first sign of weakness."’

Nelson:  (Deep in thought) ‘My dearest friend Col, only you can save this day for England.’

Hardy:   ‘Admiral.  It’s time to put on your Kevlar vest.’

Nelson:  ‘Don’t tell me… Health & Safety.  Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?’

Hardy:   ‘As I explained sir, rum is off the menu, and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.’

Nelson:  ‘What about sodomy?’

Hardy:   ‘I believe that it’s now legal, sir.’

Nelson:  ‘In that case… Kiss me, Hardy!’

Sincere apologies to Royal Navy Officers:

Nelson, Collingwood & Hardy: Three of England's Greatest Heroes

( without whom, this website would be written in French or Spanish.  Sacré Bleu! )