The Action
Nelson: ‘Run up the signal, Captain Hardy.’
Hardy: ‘Aye, aye sir.’
Nelson: ‘Hold on! That’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?’
Hardy: ‘Sorry sir.’
Nelson: (Reading aloud) ‘England expects every person to do their duty, regardless of race, gender,
sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledygook is this?’
Hardy: ‘Admiralty policy I’m afraid, sir; we’re an equal opportunities employer now. And we had
the devil’s own job getting “England” past the censors, lest it be considered racist.’
Nelson: ‘Gadzooks Hardy, pass me my pipe and tobacco.’
Hardy: ‘Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.’
Nelson ‘In that case, break open the rum. We’ll splice the main brace to steel the men for battle.’
Hardy: ‘The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy to
discourage binge drinking.’
Nelson: ‘Good Heavens, Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it then… Full speed ahead.’
Hardy: ‘I think you’ll find there’s a 4 knot speed limit in these waters, sir.’
Nelson: ‘Damn it man! We’re on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance
with all dispatch. Get me a report from the crow's nest.’
Hardy: ‘That… won’t be possible, sir.’
Nelson: ‘I beg your pardon, Captain Hardy!’
Hardy: ‘Health & Safety. They’ve closed down the crow’s nest, sir - no harnesses! And they say
that the rope ladder doesn't meet regulations. No one’s allowed up there until proper
scaffolding can be erected.’
Nelson: ‘Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay.’
Hardy: ‘He’s busy constructing a wheelchair access to the fo’c’s’le, sir.’
Nelson: ‘Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard of anything so absurd.’
Hardy: ‘Health & Safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the
differently-abled.’
Nelson: ‘Differently-abled? I’ve only got one arm and one eye! I refuse to hear mention of
the word. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.
Hardy: ‘I think you’ll find that you did, sir. It’s common knowledge that the Royal Navy is under-
represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.’
Nelson: ‘Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.’
Hardy: ‘H & S, sir. We can’t order men up the rigging - no hard hats - and we don’t want them
breathing in too much salt, do we? It could lead to hypertension.’
Nelson: ‘I’ve never heard of such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to
engage the enemy.’
Hardy: ‘The men don’t want to fire the cannons, Admiral’
Nelson: ‘What? This is mutiny!’
Hardy: ‘It’s not that, sir. They’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill someone.’
Nelson: ‘Then how are we to sink the Spaniards and the Frenchies, Hardy?’
Hardy: ‘Actually sir, we’re not.’
Nelson: ‘We’re not?’
Hardy: ‘No sir. They’re our European partners now, and according to the Common Fisheries
Policy, we shouldn’t even be in these waters. We could face a claim for compensation.’
Midshipman: ‘Sir, a message from Admiral Collingwood aboard the Royal Sovereign:
"New regulations torn up; my ships are ready for action; crews straining at the leash;
will attack at the first sign of weakness."’
Nelson: (Deep in thought) ‘My dearest friend Col, only you can save this day for England.’
Hardy: ‘Admiral. It’s time to put on your Kevlar vest.’
Nelson: ‘Don’t tell me… Health & Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?’
Hardy: ‘As I explained sir, rum is off the menu, and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.’
Nelson: ‘What about sodomy?’
Hardy: ‘I believe that it’s now legal, sir.’
Nelson: ‘In that case… Kiss me, Hardy!’